31 weeks.

Haven, the last 31 weeks of my life could never have been at a better time. You alone are reason for me to be a better ME. You are my sunshine on a cloudy day and my smile through tears. Its not been easy but I would never take it back. You are such a blessing to my life. I love you more than I knew I ever could. There's many worries I have, but I know one thing... I will ALWAYS love you and you will ALWAYS have my heart. I can't wait to hold your tiny body. Only 8 weeks and 3 days left. It couldn't come soon enough. Your Aunt Alyssa has her hand on you right now making sure you are growing just right. My angels. <3


I love you Haven Lyric-Alyse.

My smile.

I find myself sitting alone in my car, at my desk, even in my bed, with a grin plastered on my face. Not because some guy is sending me sweet messages. Not because I'm being told how beautiful I am everyday constantly...but because I have the best gift from God in me. My baby girl. Haven Lyric-Alyse. My little miracle. My sunshine on a rainy day. My strength on days when I want to give up. I have dreams about holding you, Haven. You sucker punching my guts everyday is starting to become one of my favorite parts of the day. You aren't even here yet and I love you more than I could ever imagine. I don't need someone holding my hand, looking me in the face telling me they love me because I have you. You tell me you love me all day everyday, just by being a feisty baby everyday. I am so anxious and excited to hold you before ANYONE! Yes, I am being selfish, but you are forever mine. My little sunshine. My angel. My world. You are going to be an amazing person, big dreamer, and goal chaser. I cannot express the love in my heart and how warm and fuzzy I feel every single time you nudge my belly button. <3

Maybe its the weather....

Maybe this change in weather has made me happier in general the last few days but I am finding myself alot more content with things.... I am starting to care less about who talks to me from day to day and focus more on what and who matters. I have heard from people lately I hadn't heard from in almost a year simply because they want to say "I miss you." whether its true or not, I don't know....but I do know that I am above sitting here and wondering if they meant it or if I should even listen. I have a family now. MY family. I am learning how BLESSED I am for everything that is happening. Some people come and go in your life. Some people judge. The ones that matter are the ones that stick around and that will continue to be in your life. Sometimes the past is something to wake you up when you need it the most. My past used to haunt me. Images hanging in my mind to make me wonder "what if" but now I look past those.. A year ago my heart was broken and I didn't know if I could ever be put back together. My heart has never been happier. My new family has blessed me more than I could ever even imagine. God has a plan for my life. I need to stop looking at the "what if's" and look at the "whats going to be". I can't wait for those to get here. Love is patient and pure. I will love my future and my new family more than I the thought of love I had a year ago. This is new and I am embracing every moment of it.

The little angel I have inside of me growing has made me a new person. Some people say "a baby is a big deal dude"... well, DUH, but I am 100% prepared to take this new journey with my new family. I can't wait. I have never been so settled, at peace, or caring in my heart in my whole life.

I LOVE YOU FAMILY. <3

Baby. Baby. Baby.

Maybe its sad that I don't want to hang out with many people. Maybe its sad I don't miss the things I did at first. I just love laying in bed every evening and playing poking games with you. I love watching my belly move where you decide to karate chop at the moment. I think its funny that you already have likes and dislikes and that I can already learn those things. You HATE when i put anything warm on you. You like to stay cool, and I don't blame you. You like certain music already...Well I think you do....I can feel you move more with some genres more than others. Its so cute!


I dream about you. Then you wake me up with more punches to my innards, though it is SO CUTE, it also deprives me of sleep. I usually can put you back to sleep pretty fast, but other times, you just want to be awake. Lots of movement means a happy baby! (As I see it) I can't wait for you to get here babygirl! You are going to be amazing. I already know. Your Daddy and I love you very much... He loves seeing how big you (my belly) get! He would really like to feel you kick, so maybe you should be nice and do that.


LOVE YOU ANGEL BABY! <3

A Letter to Haven

Dear Haven,

I love you so much. I never knew a love like this. No matter what kind of day I am having, the slightest kick, nudge, or movement from you makes my a million times better. You are such a blessing to my life. Your Daddy and I are so excited for you to keep growing and get here! You make us smile. Your Daddy thinks you're going to be a Daddy's girl, but I have to playfully tell him you're a Momma's girl! (: You're going to be quite the itty bitty angel baby that your Daddy and I have probably needed to have a little more push in life. You are going to be so amazing pretty baby.

I love you.
Momma

Change is good.

There's been lots of changes in my life in the last 6 months. A new job, new friends, a new part of my family. None of which I would trade. 


Emotions run high now that I have a little one assisting in the way I am feeling. I feel relaxed, at ease, and settled with the way my "new life" is. Mostly because I have a miracle in the making going on with me every single day. Some people say I act "stressed", "negative", ect., and to be honest I could not care any less. Those who truely know me know how stoked I am to have this baby! How excited I am about all of it. 


When I feel her kick and move, it doesn't fail to put a smile on my face. Its funny that she won't let other people feel it. Little turd, already playing games. (: I pray everyday for a healthy, happy baby. I listen to happy music, so that my itty bitty angel baby is happy too. I like to lay in bed at night when I wake up at 4 in the morning and just hold her...so that she know's I am there. She knows that I love her. I can tell. 


We went to the doctor today to check on everything (and to make sure SHE was indeed a SHE). We went to the ultrasound, got jelly squirted on my belly, and got to see her! We got to see her tiny body. Her tiny head. Her little nose and mouth. Her hands and feet, SO CUTE. They measured her brain, checked her heart and blood flow, and everything was, "perfect" according to my doctor. While we were in there, we got to see her roll from her back to her side. It was so cute! I cannot wait to meet her in real life! <3 I just know she is going to be adorable. 


Thank you God for answering my prayers. I have a healthy baby <3

Guardian Angel

This is for Haven Lyric-Alyse.

You have a very special guardian angel. She is watching over you everyday. She is your Aunt Alyssa. She was my big sister. She was the best big sister anyone could ask for. She made plenty of mistakes but I know, probably more than anyone, how pure her heart was. Though I was the little sister, she always opened up to me when it mattered most. I know she loves you just as much as I do even though she isn't here to tell you. She was beautiful inside and out. Her heart was big and that was probably one of the biggest parts of her that I loved so much.

She wasn't always nice to me, but what sibling is always nice? She always had big dreams which I hope is a characteristic that you will inherit from her. I hope you can feel her in your spirit the way I have for years. She was funny, beautiful, but mostly caring. She didn't always show how she felt nor what she was thinking, but I always, somehow got to know. Whether is was a night that I got to be the listener or through her anger, I somehow always knew what was going on...

I want you, Haven, to know when you are scared, she has her arms wrapped around you. When you are strong, she will be right beside you. When you are worried, she will help you find peace. When you are loving, she smiles. When you cry, she wipes your tears. When you laugh, she laughs. She is your Aunt and always will be. She loves you baby. Very much.

Thoughts Thanks to an Unlikely Friendship

Sometimes your thoughts and feelings never come out the way they should. It takes someone who has been in your situation to help you understand that what you are going through is completely normal. It takes alot for two people to decide whats best for them, but once they know, it doesn't change.

I have a friend that had a baby almost a year ago. We haven't always been friends. But sometimes the things she says and how she says it is exactly what I, at times, can't find the right words for. She is a beautiful inside and out. She helped me see that somethings are normal to think and that when people ask you to explain you really can't. Some feelings that you may have don't have words to explain them...not because you don't know how, but because you would never have felt anything like it unless you have been there.

Its nice to not have everyone you know trying to push you to do things with your so called "situation". Things happen for a reason. Blessings come in all sorts of ways, forms, and packages. You may have one that you are scared of just because you are going through so much at the time. I can see that with her. I can now see plainly that I am not any different than any other 19 year old Momma. I am protective because I care. I am strong, because I have to be. I am emotional, because its not easy. I am loving, becuase thats who I am. I have tough skin because I have been through alot...and learned from every bit of it. I do not let people push me around because I know better than that.

I may not be perfect, but I have never tried to be. I just see now that there is nothing wrong with my feelings, emotions, or expressions from any of the things that I have gone through/am going through. To her, I have to thank for clearing up these things. <3

"Situation"

Some people like to talk about my so called "situation" referring to it as "misfortunate" or "irresponsible" and to be honest, I could not care any less. I am not perfect and I will not try to be. I have made mistakes as those have that are speaking for my "situation". I have done no more sin than the next person. I just got caught. More to me, I got blessed. The blessing of life is living within me and if you don't like it, you don't have to talk about it nor do you have to be around it.

Most of those who are taking it into their own hands to judge are those who haven't come to me to ask how it is being handled. The way it is being handled is in a mature, responsible way for a 19 year old girl and a 22 year old guy. No, we are not trying to get married. No, we are not together....but the one thing that I can say yes to is that we BOTH love this baby. Preparation has been in place for MONTHS. and if you want to take it on yourself to call my "situation" "misfortunate" be my guest, but if you want to know how amazing this experience is for my new little family and want to be supportive, then you can come to me and I will welcome you with an open heart.

I have a guy in my life not running from our new life. We are taking things day by day. Talking about possibilities for our family and more than that our CHILD. I don't see anything "misfortnuate" about that at all. God has blessed our little family with something that will be a life changing experience but neither of us would change it if we had to. This is the best thing that could have happened in our lives. So I give thanks to God for this miracle baby.

The Most Amazing Feeling

I went to visit my best friends this weekend, just to get away for a day, and to catch up with them. Morgan and Chelse, I am SO proud of how far the both of you have come. You are both growing to be very amazing people and stronger everyday. I love you both SO much. This chapter of my life would NOT be the same without you.

Spending time with both Morgan and Chelse, even for a little bit, at the same time last night was pretty awesome. I am so blessed to have the amazing friends that I do. I cannot thank those of you enough for being there for me in my time of need. You know who you are and if its a question, then don't try to include yourself. No offense.

After Chelse left Morgan's first apartment, Morgan was taking a shower...a cold one at that, and I layed in the floor, on my back holding my belly where my baby curls up at night....I close my eyes and start to pray...All of the sudden I feel a VERY light movement all the way across my hand. It was the most amazing feeling. I knew, at that moment, God was telling me to be strong and don't give up. That alone was the best feeling I have ever had. It gave me the security I needed, hope I was praying for and blessed with a strength that I had been a little worried I may have lost.

Having amazing friends, a healthy, growing baby, and so much support is all I could ever ask for.

Thank you God... You are the strength I have needed.... That I have always needed.

A night with God.

Last night I went to church with my cousin Chelsea. After not being in church much, I admit, I feel like everything that was said was directed straight at me. These people do not know me. They do not know my situation....yet, every little bit of it hit home. From "it is not about you.." to "God does love YOU"...

It makes me as feel blessed as an individual and as a mother. God loves me and God loves my baby. He knew what was going to happen in my life before I even exsisted. He knows how my baby will grow up. He loves my child, already and has longer than I have. I can not even explain how proud I am already to be a Momma.

We have an angel's hand on us child, your Aunt Alyssa. She will have her hand on you and I for the rest of our lives. She is looking down at us smiling. She is spoiling you with love. Everything you do will be recognized child. I love you.

Hopeful. Wishful. Thankful.

When I found out I was blessed with you I was hopeful and scared. I wanted more than anything for you to have a good home life. That was my biggest fear. Now that I know you are going to be blessed with that, I pray everyday that I am the mother I need to be for you. I am hopeful that your Daddy and I do our job to take care of you. If and when we do that, I will know that you were raised to be the beautiful person that you are going to be.

I wish more than anything to be the support you need. Someone you can talk to. Someone you run to when you are hurt emotionally, physically, and in any other way. I am your Momma and I love you. You will never understand how much and I will not ask you to. I am wishful for you to feel loved and know that you will always have a safe place to fall.

I thank God everyday for making you. Waking up to you every morning is the best. That little bump in my belly is my little baby, I thank God for that. Even though you are so tiny (about 4 1/2 inches now) you are bigger than the world to me...Your family loves you so much already and will only grow to love you more and more. Xoxo!

4 Months into it.

Your Daddy and I had a hard time at first. I think partially both of us were scared and hard headed, but I think now that we are past that we are doing so much better. I, at times, can be complicated to get along with. Hard headed, stubborn, strong willed, independent, and have tons of pride that block people from getting close to me...but I couldn't ask for a better Daddy for you. He loves you very much already. He made me wake up, with honest statements in heated conversation, I then realized he wanted our little family to work more than anything. That means more than anything to me.

We went to eat yesterday. Went the LONG way to where we were trying to go....so we called it "bonding" time....though he was "STARVING" we talked and laughed and picked on one another as usual. We may not be your traditional family but I wouldn't trade it for the world. We both love our baby very much and can't wait to get to meet you, though we aren't even half way to seeing you yet. (: YES, we are that excited. We talk about what we want for you. Happiness, support, love, stability....We talk about how pretty you're going to be....maybe we are a bit biast.

You have been my world for about 11 weeks now (since we found out at  5 weeks) and will be for the rest of my life. I hope you can feel our love. I know you may not get it yet, and won't for a while, but You are our everything. We're family, after all. We love you. Only 5 more months.

Love,
Momma

I gotta go!

I wake up in the middle of the night with an odd urge to have to get up and pee...not wait until I wake up in the morning. It is somewhat annoying yet I roll out of bed anyways and sleepily drag myself to the bathroom. I lay back down and about 4 hours later, I am having another lovely urge, yet again...but this time, it is because I have to fight sickness. I am sure you ALL know how that goes. Nobody likes getting sick...ESPECIALLY morning after morning. Those of you that know this feeling I am sure we are in the same boat here.

I like to think of it as my little one playing in there, just having a little party of its own, that way it makes me giggle with visuals of a 4 inch tall baby jumping up and down on my bladder or on my stomach, whichever it chooses at the time. Its pretty awesome actually!

I know this is only the beginning, but if it keeps happening the way it does in my head, I will only be able to keep laughing. Waking up in the morning with a bulge in my belly is quite the comforting feeling... Knowing I am keeping my baby safe, warm, and loved...its one of the best feelings I believe I have ever had. I couldn't ask for a better support system. All the jokes about how "fat" I am going to get and how I am going to be balancing on my stomach are all ways I know that my family and friends love me.

This baby is going to be so loved. Of course its Momma and Daddy will love the little "peanut"/"walnut" but the Grandparents are all excited, which is a huge deal...We want them to be!! All our friends are already picking out names to be called and it couldn't be more fun!